Feeling disconnected to the holidays due to fertility struggles?
You’re Not Alone.
Many people who are going through fertility struggles feel disconnected during the holiday season. I know that I was having a hard time during the two holiday seasons that I was going through infertility. Not only did I have a hard time connecting to the seasonal joy, but I also even got my period two Thanksgivings AND Christmases in a row. What a fun reminder for the days that were already tough, huh?
So, why do we struggle so much with the holidays? Why can’t we just let it go?
It’s Hard To Connect To Joy When You Are Grieving
Fertility struggles involve so much grief. You may be grieving the life you thought you would be living at this point. You may be grieving the loss of a pregnancy. You may be grieving a failed cycle or treatment. You are likely grieving what you thought this holiday season would look like. So, it’s no wonder that you are struggling to feel joyful right now. We wouldn’t expect someone to feel extremely joyful if they were grieving the loss of a pet, and while fertility challenges may not be tangible, the grief is still real.
You May Be Surrounded By Others Celebrating Their Families
Holiday traditions tend to be centered around families. People are celebrating their baby’s first Christmas. Families are wearing matching pajama sets. Couples are announcing their pregnancy on New Years Eve. There are likely a lot of traditions or moments that you hoped to be celebrating this year with a pregnancy or a child, and seeing others celebrate their children is a reminder of that. On top of it all, you may be feeling guilty that you can’t just be happy for everyone else. So, a little reminder, you are not a bad person for feeling sad when you see someone else experiencing the joy that you want to experience too.
The Reminder That Another Year Went By Without A Pregnancy Or Baby
The holidays at the end of the year quickly turn into New Year’s. It is a time that many of us are reflecting on our experiences of the past year, and this can be a painful reminder that yet another year has passed by without the pregnancy or baby you hoped for.
So, What Can You Do About It?
Hold Space For The Feelings
Your feelings are valid. It is understandable that you are feeling less festive or joyful when you are going through significant challenges in life. Make sure you are holding space for yourself. This might look like an additional therapy session, talking it through with a friend who gets it, practicing lots of self-care, or journaling your feelings. Do what you need to honor what is present.
Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries!
Reflect on what boundaries you might need for this season. It’s understandable that you may be showing up differently than you usually would for the holidays, so let yourself hold the boundaries that you need. These might be boundaries around what events you attend, how long you stay at events, who you are connecting with, as well as what topics you are okay talking about. It can be helpful to set up a plan with your partner or someone else you trust who will be with you so that they can help support you as needed.
Do Something Special That You Do Enjoy
If the holidays feel tough this year, it can be nice to plan something else that you do enjoy. This allows you to create a space that is made just for the experience you are having. It could be going out for your favorite beverages with some friends to get your mind off of things, a weekend away with your partner, or a Lord of the Rings movie marathon. You deserve to connect to whatever it is that would fill you up with a bit of joy- even if it isn’t “festive”!